Learning to Love After Loss

I was having a wonderful day until the rain came pouring down.

I was under a lot of stress with trying to run a clinical practice, make sure my son got to soccer practice on time, check on my mother-in-law’s boat cover (as we almost sank the boat last rainfall – long story), try to explain to my daughter that a dance party and pretend school with the neighborhood girls would not happen at this time, and most importantly figure out a way to soak up the small river that flooded through my basement window…for a second time.

I took care of most of it but in the process forgot to eat. As I frequently tell people “hangry” is a real thing. If you are unfamiliar with this term, it is a combination of hungry and angry. (I sense another blog). I quickly ate something and began to feel relief. The night progressed and things stabilized, or so I thought.

Kerry told me she was texting her friend, Jill, who is a medium, meaning she can channel or get messages from those who have passed on. (For those of you who know what I am talking about and believe, we shall simply continue. For those who are skeptical, scared, or feel this goes against your beliefs, please simply read to the end to see the message – thanks and most appreciated.) Jill was providing a reading for Kerry with angel cards over the phone. Kerry wanted me to give Jill permission to do the same for me. I asked Jill to do so and away we went.

Jill told me there were 2 cards for me. One related to the need to get rid of worry and the other was to stop focusing on finances. These seemed to fit for what I was experiencing at that time. I have a love hate relationship with money – I love to have it and hate to be without it. I have years of practice worrying and only a few years trying to undo what I had previously learned regarding anxious energy.

The next part was what floored me. She hesitated. She would text and then delete it – you know when you can see the bubble like someone is writing and then it keeps disappearing and reappearing while the person is going through a small level of hell trying to figure out if they should or should not write what they are thinking.

Finally, she asked for my permission to share more with me, which I immediately granted. She explained that my daughter was with her and was the one pulling the cards for me and Kerry. My heart skipped and my eyes welled with tears, something for which I was not prepared.

Years ago, Kerry and I lost a child. Our experience with this differed greatly. I typically am the one that tries to keep everything together when things fall apart. I make sure everyone gets through. I tried doing this when my good friend, Brett, died in our early 20s. I did so later on throughout my relationship with Kerry. I did so when my father-in-law passed away. The only problem is that what is held in has to come back out.

I have thought about my child so many times I cannot count. Typically, I feel sad and choose not to go there. Kerry and I have had many times of separation related to this loss. Mean things have been said and promises broken. I believe we both have remorse for these times and have shared the same. So, I was not ready for this.

As Jill proceeded to tell me things my daughter was communicating to her I remember crying and feeling great joy and regret simultaneously. Jill told me that my daughter was upset because I was not recognizing her or validating her existence. I realized all this time I had been trying to erase her from my mind. I did not want to feel the pain. I did not want to have any more fights with Kerry, which happen every month when her body is ready to become pregnant and then again as she has her period. These are reminders of a life that could have been. Yet, I believe it is all happening for a reason that it too great for me to comprehend at this time.

I felt regret and more appropriately shame for failing to extend love to my daughter. I didn’t allow myself the chance to connect with her. I didn’t know how to grieve because Kerry and I became so disconnected at that time. I didn’t know what to say to either or them or how to make it better. Feeling helpless sucks.

I hate it with a passion. Sadly, I tried to tune them both out for a while. Kerry and I reconnected but it was only in these moments while reading texts from Jill did I realize how badly I missed my child. I so longed to hold her and see what Jill could see.

This is where skeptics can come in. They often will say that Jill could tell me anything to make me believe. Wonderful. Please do. At least I was choosing to believe in my daughter. I chose to allow myself to feel the grief I so desperately needed to release. I allowed myself the freedom to believe that she is happy on the other side. I also allowed myself to be her daddy as I truly extended love and gratitude for her being in my life, even if her heart was beating for only a short time. I chose to believe. In doing so, I chose to heal.

I chose to open my heart and mind to something that created a pathway to freedom for my soul. That is beautiful to me and it has nothing to do with proving or disproving Jill’s abilities. Rather it has to do with making a choice to find the freedom to open my mind and heart to the pain and then the love that I have with my daughter. I am so happy I made that choice. Thank you, Jill, forever more.

MESSAGE

Keep an open mind to different ways of thinking. We close so many doors when we think we have everything figured out. We lose so much when we hold the belief that we are definitively correct. If the route you see after reflection causes no intentional harm to others, then walk it. You can always find your way back.

CHALLENGE

Reflect on something that you have avoided for a long time. This may be a loss or a need for change. Recognize and even write about what it is that holds you back. Ask yourself if you still hold these beliefs. Are they still true to the person you have become or is it time to face the challenge of seeing things from a different perspective? Is it time to pursue freedom and peace? If it is time, then develop your plan of how you will stay mindful and true to the new path.